Request For Urgent Business Relationship!!

First, I must solicit your strictest confidence in this transaction. This is by virtue of its nature as being utterly confidential and "top secret." I am sure and have confidence in your ability and reliability, as an auditor, to complete a transaction of this great magnitude involving a pending transaction requiring maximum confidentiality.

We are top officials of a government contract review panel who are interested in completion of audits within our country. However, our audit findings are presently trapped in a small country. In order to complete our audits, we solicit your assistance in transferring into your account the said trapped findings.

The source of these findings are as follows: During the last military regime within the small country, the government officials set up companies and audited themselves in a way that over-controlled various ministries. The present civilian government set up a contract review panel, and we have identified a lot of inflated contract findings which are presently floating in the central audit department of the small country ready for solutions.

However, by virtue of our position as civil servants and members of this panel, we cannot report these findings in our names. I have therefore been delegated as a matter of trust by my colleagues of the panel to look for an overseas partner into whose reports we would transfer the findings, totaling a number that would ensure meeting all key performance measures and balanced scorecard results. Hence we are writing you this letter. We have agreed to share the findings thus: 20% for the account owner (you), 70% for us (the officials), and 10% to be used in separate reports related to taxation and local and foreign expenses.

Please note that this transaction is 100% safe, and we hope to commence the transfer at the latest seven (7) banking days from the date of the receipt of the following information by fax: your company's signed and stamped letterhead, a list of your current findings, and access to your electronic workpapers. This way we will use your company's name to apply for the findings and re-award the findings as agreed.

We are looking forward to doing this business with you and solicit your confidentiality in this transaction. I will send you detailed information of this pending project when I have heard from you.

Yours faithfully,

Dr. Euell Rudy Day

Posted on May 4, 2009 by Mike Jacka

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  1. My dear friend, Dr. Day,

    I am in receipt of your message of the 4th instant and am very interested in this business proposition.

    As the head of internal audit in this fast-emerging (from our history of skullduggery and cannibalism) national enterprise, I seek always to meet the expectations of my esteemed manager, His Excellency Duke Ferdinand IV. He has directed that my bonus is dependent on achieving my performance metrics - which include the percentage of audits, investigations, and character assassinations I complete. By participating with you in this partnership, I will be able to use these findings to bury more of our target auditees.

    Please contact my representative in the Cayman Islands to complete the arrangements.

    Yours with great respect,

    Mr. Satyam Madoff

  1. Dr. Day and Mr. Satyam Madoff,

    I represent an unnamed government agency (formerly known as CTU) and we are on to you.

    You are apparently businesspeople with low moral fiber, so we give you a simple choice. Either hand over all the findings, so we can use them in our interrogations of the Al Queda financiers (our lawyers have informed us that such methods do not constitute torture under the Geneva convention), or we will hand you over to Jack Bauer.

    Signed,

    Tony Almeda, CIA

     

  1. Dear Mr. Day:

    It seems to me that all the terms and conditions appear to be reasonable, except for the percentage to be received by (me).

    Doing this businness requires a 50/50 deal.

    Think about and let me know.

    Regards,

    Potential Overseas Partner

     

     

     

  1. Dear Mr. Day

    This is something that I can be of assistance of.  I have a cousin in the Port City of Thrall who sets upon his daily business as a pirate of the high seas.  He see's no reason why he cannot capture the heretofore mentioned "goods" and bring them back to safety for a sum equivelant to yen multiplied by the Euro and funelled into a Swiss Bank Account.  He assures me that his audit department has been departmentalized so as his team can fit comfortably in the wessel and have a report to you of their findings between whippings and other high sea chicanery.  He his group is fluent of the mother tounges and has several as decorative addornments on his wessel.  Uber Good-un my man.  See you on deck side.

    Ivan Bordoutofhismind Gyserhead, III

     

  1. Dear Dr. Day,

    We are writing on behalf of our client, Mr. Satyam Madoff. Our client's information was transmitted to you some time ago and his working papers made available for your access. However, the findings have not been received and, as far as we know, were not captured by pirates in Thrall. We have also monitored the "24" program without evidence, direct or indirect, of the findings being taken by CTU to help deal with the bioweapons.

    We ask that you turn over the precious findings immediately or we will be forced to take the ultimate action - audit you, with costs.

    Yours truly,

    I. M. Cirius, Esq.

    Cirius, Cirius, and (then there's) Jacka

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