Today, in a surprise announcement, Charlie Sheen announced that he will be taking a position as an internal auditor. Asked the reason for this sudden change in profession, Sheen was quoted as saying, “I’m grandiose. Because I live a grandiose life. I’m not ‘Aww shucks’, because I’m gnarly. And auditors are grandiose and gnarly.” He went on to say that he feels an affinity with internal auditors adding, “I’m different. I have a different constitution. I have a different brain. I have a different heart. I got Internal Auditor blood, man.”
Sheen went on to say that he believes that the role of internal auditing is a powerful one within any company, emphasizing this by saying, “I am on a drug – it’s called Internal Auditing. It’s out there. It’s available. And if you try it, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.” He went on to describe his secret life as an internal audit intern. “I probably did more audits than anybody could survive. I was hammering out seven reports at a time. Because that’s how I roll. I have one speed. I have one gear: Go!”
When asked if he thought being an internal auditor might place him in the role of an underdog he laughed. “When you pick a fight with internal auditors, you pick a fight with warlocks. Internal auditors are F-18s, bro, and they will destroy you in the air and deploy their ordnance to the ground. The only thing I’m addicted to is winning, and winning is being an internal auditor.”
It was brought to Sheen’s attention that his becoming an internal auditor seemed an odd choice. He quickly responded, “People can’t figure internal auditors out, they can’t process them. I don’t expect them to. You can’t process internal audit with a normal brain. Auditors are not bi-polar; they’re bi-winning. They win here and they win there.”
Officials with the Institute of Internal Auditor declined to indicate if they felt this was a positive step for the profession.