How the Auditee Stole Findings

 

Every auditor, down in Auditville, liked audits a lot ...
But the auditee, who lived just north of Auditville, did NOT!
The auditee hated audits! The whole audit season!
Now, please don’t ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
It could be his files weren’t documented quite right.
It could be, perhaps, his support was too light.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
Was his balances came out two digits too small.
 
But, whatever the reason, his files or his bosses,
He stood there on Audit Eve, hating the process.
For he knew every auditor in Auditville
Was busy now, working with paper and quill.
 
And he growled, with his auditee fingers all drumming,
“I MUST find some way to stop audits from coming!”
For tomorrow … all auditor women and men
Would wake bright and early. They’d rush for a pen!
And THEN they’d do something he liked least of all!
Every auditor down there, the tall and the small,
Would stand close together, explaining, supporting.
They’d stand hand-in-hand, then start their reporting.
 
And the more that he thought of these audit reports,
The auditee thought, “I must stop them all short!”
 
Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
An auditee wonderful, awful idea!
And the auditee took off and headed on down
To the auditors’ building set deep in the town.
 
The office was dark. There was nary a soul,
The auditors off dreaming dreams of controls,
When he came to the first little desk in the row.
“This is stop number one,” the old auditee hissed
And he walked to the desk, empty bags in his fist.
 
Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile that was grinding,
Digging deep in the desk, he snatched all their findings.
Worksheets! And test work! Support! Every paper!
Audit plans! Charters! Even a stapler!
 
Then while he was grabbing the Red Books they had,
He heard a small sound like an issue gone bad.
He turned around fast, and he saw a strange sight!
Little Cindy-Lou Intern who worked late at night.
 
He knew he was caught by this audit intern
Working hard at her desk, some credits to earn.
“Why, co-worker dear,” the fake manager lied,
“There’s so much to be done, so much to be tied.
So I’m taking it home to work late on, my dear.
I’ll catch us up there. Then I’ll bring it back here.”
 
And the auditee slithered away down the aisle.
At the desk he left nothing but dust and his smile.
Then he did the same thing at each auditor’s desk
With so little remaining it seemed quite grotesque!
At quarter past dawn … his car filled with findings.
With worksheets! With plans! With three rings of bindings!
He drove his packed car up the side of Mt. Crumpit,
He drove his car up to the tiptop to dump it!
 
“Pooh-pooh to the audit!” he was strutting and humming.
“They’re finding out now that no audit is coming!
They’re just waking up! I know just what they’ll do!
Their mouths will hang open a minute or two.
Then all of the auditors will cry BOO-HOO!
 
“That’s a noise,” grinned the auditee, “I must hear!”
So he paused. And the auditee tilted his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising up to that mount.
It started out low. Then it grew like a fount …
 
But the sound wasn’t sad! Why, it sounded exciting!
It sounded like auditors talking and writing!
Every person in Auditville, average and bright
Was reporting! Without any findings in sight!
He’d NOT stopped the audit from coming! IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!
 
And the auditee, with all that paperwork flappin’,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: “How could this happen?
It came without spreadsheets! It came without tests!
It came without analysis, risks, and the rest!”
And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore,
Then he thought of a thing he’d not thought of before!
“Maybe audits,” he thought, “don’t from paperwork start.
Maybe audits … perhaps … really start with the heart!”
 
And what happened then? Well … in Auditville they say
That the auditee’s figures balanced that day!
And the minute his numbers fi t perfectly right,
He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light
And he brought back the tests, the worksheets, and bindings!
 
And he …
… HE HIMSELF… wrote up all of the findings!

 

Posted on Dec 18, 2013 by Mike Jacka

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