What follows is an example of how mental tunnels can lead to poor conclusions. The fact that they are the conclusions we desire does not change the horror of their acceptance. (And, no, it doesn’t have anything to do with internal auditing. So sue me.)
Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it … don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart does not make you live longer. This is like saying you will extend the life of your car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp the concept of logistical efficiency. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So, steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetables). Pork chops can also give you 100 percent of the recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Are you crazy? Wine is made from fruit. Beer is also made of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, and so on.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Sorry, I can’t think of a single one. My philosophy is: No pain … good!
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: You are not listening! These days, food is fried in vegetable oil. In fact, the food is permeated with it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?!
Q: Will sit-ups prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?! Hello! Think ... cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It is the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey, “round” is a shape!
Impeccable logic that is bound to clear up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.