The Most Useless Post of All Time (and It Even Includes a Book Review)

For today’s post I provide you a lark, a romp, a frolic in the park, a bit of tomfoolery, shenanigans galore, a bagatelle. I provide no profound thoughts; I provide no deep concepts. Rather, I provide for your consideration and enjoyment the opportunity to waste time, refrain from developing your audit skills, maybe lower your IQ just a little bit, and, contrary to the prejudices many people have about auditors, act just a little bit weird. I present the most useless post of all time. 

“Why now?” you may ask. While my response should most likely be “Why not now?” let me instead provide some background. Last week, a good friend and co-worker gave me (for my birthday – double nickels if you are interested) a book titled The Best Desk Toys Ever: A Productivity-Boosting Guide for Executives with Big Desks and a Little Slack in Their Schedules. Allow me a bit of a digression in this already digressive background. Among the many other accoutrements around her desk, my co-worker has an extensive collection of Potato Heads and Coca-Cola paraphernalia. I, being of much more discriminating taste, have collections related to Disneyland, Dilbert, and The Tick. This does not include the various other company tchotchkes, conference swag, and IIA giveaways we have collected over the years. You may have quickly realized why this book was the perfect gift.
Every human being should have this book as reference on how to make their work area better. Within is a collection of toys and gadgets and geegaws and windups and trinkets that mix just the right amount of time-wasting with that certain panache we all want to exude. These are not accessories, they are necessities. Check out the Dancing Hamsters. Yes, there are now over 40 different variations. Get the whole set. Start them all up at the same time. See if your co-workers don’t stop bothering you when you’re trying to “work” (wink-wink). Next, when your co-workers have forgiven you, get them together to play Shocking Roulette. Two to four fingers are placed in the appropriate receptacles, a button is pushed, and the lucky “winner” is the one who gets his or her finger shocked. Try the Fly Catcher which is modeled after Audrey II (Little Shop of Horrors). Flies are attracted into the flower where a motion sensor activates two petals. These slap together providing the fly an opportunity to join the buzzing fly choir invisible. Or, if you’re feeling particularly paranoid, there is the spy calculator – the perfect gift for the “employee of the week”. It’s a transmitter, and you have the receiver.
Of course there are many old-time favorites here such as the syringe pen (with red ink), the boxing nun, Sea Monkeys (did he say Sea Monkeys? Yes! Sea Monkeys!), Silly Putty, Koosh balls, the inflatable Scream, Pez dispensers, and the perfect desktop computer – the Etch A Sketch.
Again, why have I brought this to your attention? Let me tell you one more story. Among my collection of Disney-themed watches is a Goofy watch that is completely backwards. Numbers are backwards, words are backwards, the hands run backwards, you have to read it backwards. An auditor once asked, “Why would you have that?” The appropriate reply?  “If you have to ask why, then you will never understand.” So, with that profound thought racing through our heads, and on the heels of everything else, I provide you a link I discovered while shopping for some of the items contained in this book. I give to you – the emergency yodel.
Use it wisely. And, if you have to ask why….

Posted on Jul 30, 2010 by Mike Jacka

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  1.  I followed the link.  So many uses, so little time....

  1. Mike -

    I added the Emergency Yodel to favorites immediately.

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