Why Auditors Don't Write Aphorisms

It has come to my attention that, in spite of the written word being one of the most powerful tools within an internal auditor’s arsenal, it is not always wielded with the greatest skill. In particular, auditors consistently exhibit the ability to stretch a one or two word sentiment into ten, twelve, even a dozen words, all in an attempt to better express a sentiment that does not warrant even a modicum of such prodigious efforts (as proven by this paragraph.) 

As evidence, I present the following phrases, sayings, expressions, proverbs, and aphorisms constructed as though written by auditors. (Translations follow)
1.       Exercise appropriate controls regarding oculary perceptions prior to performing planned or unplanned actions intended to allow progress across a previously prescribed area in one, single movement.
2.       The total identified in relation to the sample of aves which have taken up residence within the confines of the metacarpal phalanges is calculably equivalent to the population that can be identified as residing within low-lying woody perennials.
3.       The only event remaining prior to the conclusion of our current activities is the expulsion of vociferous communications.
4.       Assurance has been provided to support the conclusion of the impossibility of any individual’s ability to maintain ownership of the possible results of combining eggs, flour, and flavoring with heat, and the destruction of the self-same product through   masticatory efforts
5.       Individuals who have chosen to take up residence in structures primarily composed of transparent, silica-based materials are advised that the launching of igneous projectiles is ill-conceived.
6.       Uninterrupted observation of large cooking containers filled at any of various levels with liquid will prove to cause the inability of such liquids to attain a state of transmutation to a gaseous state.
7.       The value that can be applied to communications achieved by the vibratory effect of air patterns upon aural receptors has been shown to be of little or no worth.
8.       The arrival of the finished product at a time that was not within the parameters of promptness originally established for delivery is still preferable to the situation where the arrival of the product is forestalled to such an extent that it does not, in fact, arrive.
9.       Testing has confirmed that a comparison of pigmentation between small leafy groundcovers located in opposition of each other results in a more vibrant pigmentation being found for those flora on the side opposite of that from which the comparison is being made
1.       Look before you leap
2.       A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush
3.       It’s all over but the shouting
4.       You can’t have your cake and eat it, too
5.       People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones
6.       A watched pot never boils
7.       Talk is cheap
8.       Better late than never
9.       The grass is always greener on the other side

Posted on Nov 29, 2011 by Mike Jacka

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