April 2011

Casablanca: Almost the Greatest Audit Movie Ever Made

J. Michael Jacka, CIA, CPCU, CFE, CPA
Senior Audit Manager
Farmers Insurance Group

In a startling discovery, researchers working at the Warner Brothers archives have found the first draft of the script for the classic movie Casablanca. In this original version, Humphrey Bogart plays Rick Blaine as a disaffected chief audit executive for Casablanca Inc.; a career auditor whose only desire is to keep his head down long enough to reach retirement with full pension. His department (affectionately known as Rick’s Audit Shop) is not necessarily an honest audit shop, but it is the one place of refuge where anyone can get a job and hide.

Into the department walks Rick’s former co-worker, Ilsa Lund, with her new manager, Victor Laszlo. Ilsa and Victor still believe internal audit shops can make a difference. They have come to Casablanca as part of a benchmarking project. But, in the passions of a late-night workpaper review, Ilsa rekindles something in Rick he thought he had lost long ago — a belief in what internal auditing can really mean to a company.

Being fortunate enough to obtain access to that original script, we present some of the most famous quotes, as they would have been spoken had this version been produced.

CAPT. RENAULT: Major Strasser has been defrauded. Round up the usual suspects.

RICK: Don’t you sometimes wonder if it’s worth all this? I mean all that ticking and tying?

VICTOR: You might as well question why we breathe. If we stop breathing, we’ll die. If we stop testing the financial statements, the company will die.

RICK: Well, what of it? It would be out of its misery.

VICTOR: You know how you sound, Mr. Blaine? Like a man who’s trying to convince himself of something he hasn’t found the evidence to support.

ILSA: Play it once, Sam. For old times sake.

SAM: [lying] I don’t know what you mean, Miss Ilsa.

SAM: [lying] Oh, I can’t remember it, Miss Ilsa. I’m a little rusty on it.

ILSA: I’ll hum it for you. Da-dy-da-dy-da-dum, da-dy-da-dee-da-dum…

[Sam begins playing.]

ILSA: Sing it, Sam.

SAM: [singing] You must remember this/A list is just a list/A test is just a test/The auditees will all resist/Deadlines go by/And when the audit’s due/There’s always work to do/Or you must do one more review/No matter what the findings bring…

RICK: [rushing up] Sam, I thought I told you never to play… [Sees Ilsa. Sam closes his laptop and walks away.]

CAPT. RENAULT: This is the end of the benchmarking.

CAPT. RENAULT: Is that a serious offer?

RICK: I just paid out 20. I’d like to get it back.

CAPT. RENAULT: Make it 10. I’m only a poor corrupt executive.

MAJ. STRASSER: We have a complete Human Resources file on you. Richard Blaine, internal auditor, age 57. Cannot work for any other company. The reason is a little vague. We also know what you did in the Paris casino in Las Vegas, Mr. Blaine, and why you had to leave. [hands the file to Rick] Don’t worry, we are not going to forward it.

RICK: [reading] Am I really a mid to low contributor?

MAJ. STRASSER: You give him credit for too much cleverness. My impression was that he’s just another blundering auditor.

CAPT. RENAULT: We mustn’t underestimate “blundering auditors.” I was with them when they “blundered” into WorldCom years ago.

RICK: Of all the audit shops, in all the companies, in all the world, she benchmarks mine.

CAPT. RENAULT: What in heaven’s name brought you to Casablanca?

RICK: Creativity. I came to Casablanca for the creativity.

CAPT. RENAULT: The creativity? What creativity? You’re in internal auditing.

CAPT. RENAULT: Have you lost your mind?

CAPT. RENAULT: Put that report down!

RICK: I don’t want to issue it, but I will if you take one more step!

CAPT. RENAULT: [amused] Under the circumstances I will sit down.

RICK: Last night we reviewed a great many things. You said I was to do the analysis for both of us. Well, I’ve done a lot of analyzing since then, and it all adds up to one thing: You’re getting on that plane with Victor to consult with a new company.

RICK: Now, you’ve got to listen to me! You have any idea what you’d have to look forward to if you stayed here? Nine chances out of 10, we’d both wind up in accounting. Isn’t that true, Louie?

CAPT. RENAULT: I’m afraid the CEO would insist.

RICK: I’m saying it because it’s true. We both know you belong with Victor. You’re part of his benchmarking team, the one thing that keeps that team together. If that plane leaves the ground and you’re not with him, you’ll regret it. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But soon and for the rest of your career.

RICK: We’ll always have the International Conference. We didn’t have… we … we lost it until you came to Casablanca. We got it back last night.

ILSA: I said I would never work for anyone else again.

RICK: And you never will. But I’ve got a job to do, too. Where I’m auditing, you can’t do follow-up. What I’ve got to review, you can’t be any part of. Ilsa, I’m no good at being objective, but it doesn’t take much to see that the careers of three little people don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy company. Someday you’ll understand that.

RICK: Now, now… [Rick gently places his hand under her chin and raises it so their eyes meet.] Here’s auditing you, kid.

[And that final, classic line that even a change of subject couldn’t change.]

RICK: Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

 

 

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